Balanced Living

The Art of Listening

“We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking.”

Listening is one of the most important skills you can have. How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, and on the quality of your relationships with others.

We listen to obtain information. 
We listen to understand. 
We listen for enjoyment. 
We listen to learn.

Given all this listening we do, you would think we’d be good at it but in fact we’re not. Studies have shown that we remember only 25-50% of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they only really hear 2½-5 minutes of the conversation.

What this also says is that when you are receiving directions or being presented with information, you aren’t hearing the whole message either. You hope the important parts are captured in your 25- 50%, but what if they’re not?

Clearly, listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a better listener, you’ll avoid conflict and misunderstandings – all necessary for workplace success and satisfying relationships.

The way to become a better listener is to practice “active listening”. This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, to try and understand the total message being sent.

In order to do this you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.  The following steps provide the skills for you to become a better listener.

Step 1

Paraphrase what the speaker is saying, repeating the statement in question form. For example if the speaker said “My husband never listens to me!” you might say “You feel like John doesn’t listen very well?”

Step 2

Listen for the underlying emotion. For example if the speaker said “My boyfriend acts like such a jerk!” you might say “You sound mad” or “You sound frustrated.”

Step 3

Ask clarifying questions in order to make sure you understand what the speaker is saying. For example if the speaker said “That kid just made me feel so stupid!” you might say “It sounds like you’re pretty upset. Did something happen?”

Step 4

Encourage the speaker to keep talking by letting them know you are listening. Make direct eye contact. Use open, receptive body language.  Nod your head, and make comments that encourage further communication such as “Ok, go on.”

Step 5

Approach the conversation with the belief that the speaker has the ability to solve the problem for themselves. Resist the temptation to offer advice, or give opinions about what the speaker is saying. Instead ask questions such as “So how will you deal with that?” and “What do you think can/should be done about this situation?”

It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener.  Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself constantly that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and concentrate on the message. Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase to make sure you understand the message. If you don’t, then you’ll find that what someone says to you and what you hear can be very different!

Change or Transition?

What’s the difference between “change” and “transition?”

“Change” is situational and external; such as moving to a new city or becoming a parent. In contrast, “transition” is psychological or internal. Transitions are the internal work that helps us to reorient and redefine ourselves and incorporate external changes into our lives.

How can you turn a challenging major life change into an opportunity?

1. Slow down; for example - rather than getting back on the internet and going out dating right away at the end of a relationship, why not take some time for yourself.
2. Reconnect with yourself and what you enjoy - Take some time alone to think about times in your life when you felt really happy and alive. Think about things you used to do and haven’t for some time or things you’ve dreamed of doing and have never taken the time for. Begin doing them - start with one activity and note how it makes you feel.
3. Be aware of and acknowledge your feelings rather than push them down and not allowing yourself to experiencing them; this is important to begin the process of healing from the inside out.  Your feelings might be out of balance. Intense emotions around transitions might be the result of attaching old fears and anxieties to new situations. When you do not clean up your old baggage it tends to resurface in times of stress. Make sure you do not make your transition more stressful by compounding your fears.
4. Express those feelings through journaling , painting, drawing, etc.
5. Nurture/pamper yourself - go for a massage; buy a new outfit; eat at your favorite restaurant. Do something special for yourself and remember that you deserve the best.
6. Spend time in nature - go for a walk by yourself in a nearby park or plan a hike with a friend; being in nature is grounding, helps clear us of negative energy, relaxes us and helps our minds become more clear.
7. Exercise - do something physical such as a good walk, yoga or a swim; these help the energy flow and also assist in getting rid of tension, anger and stress.
8. Reach out for support - to a friend, counselor or life coach.  Thousands of people rely on coaches to help them through transitional periods in their life. By using a coach you get the depth of someone else’s experiences and the benefit of having structured guidance.

Remember that change affects everything. Your life is a whole system so there is no way to make even small changes and not have them influence other parts of your life. Make sure you look at your transitions from a holistic viewpoint.

If you change your perspective around a major transition and see it as an opportunity for growth, fun and self-learning, positive things will begin to happen in your life.

Here’s to connecting, creating and transforming your life to one of joy, fulfillment and balance!

Nurturing Who You Want to Be

An old Cherokee is telling his grandson about a fight that is going on inside of him. He said it is between two wolves. One is destructive: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good: Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one I feed”.

Creating a Balanced Life

Some believe the notion that a truly balanced life is only a myth. With too much to do and with too little time to do it, anxiety and stress replaces happiness much of the time.

However, there is hope, because the ability to change our lives exists in all of us. We just need to learn how to become more balanced. 

Living a balanced life is the ability to take all that life throws at us from our careers, home, health and everything else, and put it in a central location so we can reframe it in order to better understand it, learn from it and grow from it.

Create a Vision
Before you start, you need to know where you want to go. The lack of not having a plan is what keeps some folks from creating the life they want because they have no idea what they want in the first place.

A life vision is not an etched in stone deal that can never be changed; but rather, it is a high-level vision statement that goes something like, “this is what I want from my life.”

For me, I want to meet, or exceed, the financial and emotional needs of my family. I want to be in control of my future and give myself the ability to have choices with my career. I may not achieve all of these things every single day, but this vision is what gives me focus and a very good idea of what a balanced life looks, and feels like, when I’m struggling and veering off course.

Identify Your Goals
Your life’s vision is what provides direction to how you want to live; your goals are the basic components of your vision. Your goals help make your vision a reality. For the most part, goals are measureable and quantifiable.

Goals can vary in size and scope. One goal might be to retire at age 50 in order to begin living your life’s passion and another might be to find one evening during the week when you and your partner can go out and spend some time alone.

Often, our lives feel out of balanced when we have not clearly defined our goals or we are not actively pursuing them. Take time each week; each day, to consider what you want to accomplish. Make a plan to align your activities to your life’s vision.

Prioritize
Do what’s important first. The distractions of email, text messages, and mind-numbing television can keep us from focusing on what is truly important.  In order to spend time on activities that support your life’s vision and keep your daily life in better balance, consider these productivity tips:

· Have at least one hour of email amnesty each day at work, or try to   shut-off your email one day each week.

· Get up at least 15 minutes earlier each day to give yourself a better head-start and use this time to make your plan for the day.

· Make a list – mental is fine, but written is better, of the things you need to accomplish and the things you want to accomplish for the day.

· Be on the outlook for timekillers such as planting yourself in front of the television or thinking of who to call next.

· Know what you value most in life and then spend more time there.

Five Golden Minutes
Take five minutes each day and consider what worked for you and what didn’t. Look at the things that made you feel successful and happy compared to those that contributed to anxiety and stress.

Look for patterns. Living a balanced life is about identifying and doing more of what’s working and less of what is not. Stop and think if your actions and thoughts support your visions, goals and values. Nurture the ones that are effective and adjust the ones which are counterproductive.

Pay Attention to Your Body
If you are feeling fatigue and worn down at the end of the day, or find it difficult to get up in the morning, these may be signs of emotional/mental confusion resulting from a life that is not consistent with our values.

Persistent headaches, constipation, and muscle tension are all warning signs your body, and your life, are out of balance. Your body is an excellent sounding board. It will tell you a lot about the quality of your life if you choose to listen.

Ask for Feedback and Help
I’m not sure anybody has everything figured out. Asking for feedback is not a sign of weakness – it’s a sign of resolve and determination. It shows a commitment to wanting to improve your life and for learning how to balance everything thrown at you. Reach out to those who have experienced what you are experiencing and seek their guidance.

Make Adjustments
Stuff happens. Sometimes we are thrown a curveball when we are expecting a fastball.

We can think something is expected to happen, and then unexpectedly, something else happens instead. Life is dynamic. Yes, it’s good to have a plan, but a big part of any plan is the contingency plan that stands right behind it. Having a good back-up plan can help us keep our balance when we see the fastballs coming.

Rest and Relax
Taking a time-out now and then isn’t a luxury as much as it is a necessity. It’s important to take a step back and process everything going on in your life. Your vision can be a lot clearer when you are not so close to the situation.

Creating a balanced life involves slowing down long enough to identify what your ideal balance looks like.