Balanced Living

The Art of Listening

“We were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice as hard as talking.”

Listening is one of the most important skills you can have. How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, and on the quality of your relationships with others.

We listen to obtain information. 
We listen to understand. 
We listen for enjoyment. 
We listen to learn.

Given all this listening we do, you would think we’d be good at it but in fact we’re not. Studies have shown that we remember only 25-50% of what we hear. That means that when you talk to your boss, colleagues, customers or spouse for 10 minutes, they only really hear 2½-5 minutes of the conversation.

What this also says is that when you are receiving directions or being presented with information, you aren’t hearing the whole message either. You hope the important parts are captured in your 25- 50%, but what if they’re not?

Clearly, listening is a skill that we can all benefit from improving. By becoming a better listener, you’ll avoid conflict and misunderstandings – all necessary for workplace success and satisfying relationships.

The way to become a better listener is to practice “active listening”. This is where you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, to try and understand the total message being sent.

In order to do this you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.  The following steps provide the skills for you to become a better listener.

Step 1

Paraphrase what the speaker is saying, repeating the statement in question form. For example if the speaker said “My husband never listens to me!” you might say “You feel like John doesn’t listen very well?”

Step 2

Listen for the underlying emotion. For example if the speaker said “My boyfriend acts like such a jerk!” you might say “You sound mad” or “You sound frustrated.”

Step 3

Ask clarifying questions in order to make sure you understand what the speaker is saying. For example if the speaker said “That kid just made me feel so stupid!” you might say “It sounds like you’re pretty upset. Did something happen?”

Step 4

Encourage the speaker to keep talking by letting them know you are listening. Make direct eye contact. Use open, receptive body language.  Nod your head, and make comments that encourage further communication such as “Ok, go on.”

Step 5

Approach the conversation with the belief that the speaker has the ability to solve the problem for themselves. Resist the temptation to offer advice, or give opinions about what the speaker is saying. Instead ask questions such as “So how will you deal with that?” and “What do you think can/should be done about this situation?”

It takes a lot of concentration and determination to be an active listener.  Be deliberate with your listening and remind yourself constantly that your goal is to truly hear what the other person is saying. Set aside all other thoughts and behaviors and concentrate on the message. Ask questions, reflect, and paraphrase to make sure you understand the message. If you don’t, then you’ll find that what someone says to you and what you hear can be very different!