Balanced Living
Finding balance in everyday life
2
If You Want an Egg Roll Get Out of the Pizzeria: What kind of `STORE` are you? Is it meaningful to poses this knowledge?
Why do people very often follow the same negative patterns in their life?
To help yourself to build healthy and fulfilling relationships in life and not repeat mistakes from the past try to divide and identify people, and also yourself, as a `stores`.
The description of different types of `STORES`/ relationships, which you might be experiencing in your life, is presented in a book “If you want an egg roll, get out of the pizzeria”.
17
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Healthy boundaries create healthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries create dysfunctional ones. By setting clear boundaries you define who you are in relation to others. This is done by identifying your needs and rights. Being able to assertively convey your needs and rights to others is a way to take care of yourself in relationships.
Boundaries can be both physical and emotional.
Physical boundaries are defined by who you allow to touch you, how they touch you and how much physical distance or space you allow between you. Emotional boundaries are defined by where your feelings end and others begin. Do you take responsibility for your own feelings or do you feel responsible for the feelings of others? Are you able to say “no” or do you tend to be a people pleaser and ignore your own needs?
Physical and emotional boundaries define how we interact with others and how we allow others to interact with us.
Boundaries need to be flexible.
People who demonstrate rigid boundaries come across as self-sufficient, they do not display emotions, and they do not ask for help. Rigid boundaries prevent physical or emotional closeness and basically result in pushing people out of their lives.
When boundaries are too loose, people get too close, both physically and emotionally, too fast. They often give too much, take too much and are in constant need of reassurance. They say “yes” when they really want to say “no” and feel responsible for the feelings of others.
Those with healthy boundaries are firm but flexible. They respect their feelings, needs and rights, and those of others, but are clear about their separateness. They are responsible for their own happiness and allow others to be responsible for their happiness.
Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries:
Adapted from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine.
- When you identify a need to set a boundary, do it clearly, without anger and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, apologize for or rationalize the boundary you are setting. Set the boundary calmly, firmly clearly and respectfully.
- You are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to your boundary. You are only responsible for communicating the boundary in a respectful manner.
- Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
- Being able to set boundaries is a process that you will do when you are ready. It’s your growth in your own time frame, not what someone else tells you to do.
- Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Don’t be around people who want to manipulate you, abuse you and/or control you.
Setting healthy boundaries may initially produce feelings of guilt and anxiety but learning to work through those conditioned fears is necessary to have healthy relationships.
